V I N M A N' s V I B e

SpongeBob on Friday, March 6 at about 3 p.m., still stuck between two trees as he had been for days. -- Photo Vince Kern, All copyrights reserved.

What’s happened to SpongeBob SquarePants?

That question is on the mind of many folks living off and around Pettysville Road near M-36 in Pinckney today after the cartoon character suddenly — and mysteriously — disappeared after days of being stuck between two trees .

The popular Porifera had appeared nearly a week ago to motorists travelling the two-lane route north to Swarthout Rd and on towards Brighton.

“I saw something out of the corner of my eye on my way home from work Tuesday evening, ” said Brian Rossbery, an employee of Pinckney Plumbing of 20 years.

“I was going pretty fast and it was getting dark, but I thought he waved to me. I had my radio on pretty loud so I didn’t hear him crying out for help or anything like that. Maybe I should have stopped and checked on him, but I figured `hey, he’s SpongeBob so he don’t need no help from me.”

Sources who wish to remain anonymous said that while local authorities were concerned there may have been foul play involved they also were skeptical because of pranks and things they had on file from Bikini Bottom police reports. The BBPD said SquarePants is well-known for numerous roadside pranks especially while learning to drive with Mrs. Puff and that his neighbor and colleague at the Krusty Krab, Squidward,  has tried many times to vanquish him from Bikini Bottom to no avail.

A local scientist, however had a different take on the strange events. “It’s very likely that the fellow was running to get out of the snow we kept getting and sponged-up the falling flakes enough to misjudge the space required to get through that tree. Sponges ain’t too smart, you know.” said Henry Stokely a local marine biologist. “Then, the cold weather came and not only couldn’t we see him cause of the snowbanks but his shape was frozen in place,” he added. 

M&M Candie, seen here greeting this reporter with his usual confident, thumbs-up greeting on Friday the day before SpongeBob disappeared from the tree.

THE CANDY CONNECTION

Few local residents wanted to believe Saturday, or discuss, the rumor that a gang of M&M candies living just up the road had become jealous of SquarePants’ cinema success and stuffed him in the tree as a placeholder to further harm.

The candies,  known to melt in your mouth but not in your hand, have a solid community reputation and are a favorite treat at the Pettysville Junction party store at the intersection of Pettysville and M-36. Store owners said plain and peanut styles are both top selling items and said they doubted the candies would want to risk their future earnings on a sponge.

The blue M&M with a Santa hat (left) stood wiling to listen to my questions, but did not respond to my inquiries.

As of this evening, the plight of SquarePants remains uncertain as yesterday’s summer-like temperatures and first wonderful weather has turned to a gloomy, grey rainy day with fog. It’s as if the mystery of the popular cartoon character’s disappearance has overtaken the weather and mood of Pinckeyites, Lakesiders and Hamburgians alike.

At the Zuckey Lake Tavern, locals sat at the bar earlier this afternoon watching college basketball and wondering about SquarePants. One local summed it up best as he looked downward while sipping a Budweiser and said with a worried tone, “Strange things happen around here, but I’ve never seen nothin’ like this.”

 “I hope that little yeller spongy feller is okay. He keeps my little grandson quiet for a little while when I babysit so he’s all right by me.”

Contacted by phone this afternoon on a vacation in the Bahamas, SquarePants’ employer Eugene Krabs was not surprised to hear of mischievous news about SquarePants and said his fry-cook was also on vacation so nobody at the restaurant would have been concerned either.

“This better not be the work of Plankton!” bellowed Krabs from a fishing boat at sea. “SongeBob’s sposed to be back  flippin’ paddies on St. Patty’s day makin’ me my money first thing.” Krabs said he was going to contact The Flying Dutchman to see if he would look in to his award-winning employee’s whereabouts.

“He’s been employee of the month every month for years ’cause it keeps the little fellow turnin’ out Krabby Patties fer me customers, I can’t afford to loose dat money machine,” he added.

If you have any knowledge of the whereabouts or condition of SpongeBob SquarePants, please upload the information in the comments field below the headline of this post and I will dutifully investigate the leads or pass them on to local police.