WINTER HUMOR: Dumb Robbers, you have to wonder about these idiots…….

Since laughter is only a close second behind a good Merlot for warming the soul, the Vinman has been finding a little of both to help you through this winter freeze. Though I can’t share the Merlot with you in cyberspace, I do hope you will enjoy these “Dumb Robber” stories as much as I have. The rabbit above proves once again that animals are generally smarter than some of us dumb humans. He got rid of all witnesses, and pinned the crime on someone living in the house.

But before I begin with the long list of “dumb criminals” I have to admit the reason I’m so fascinated with this subject. One: I can be as dumb as the robbers in these stories, I’m just not as dumb to behave as such in a criminal fashion. Usually, I do something as stupid as them and I wind up with a good smack in the side of the head from my smarter wife. The second is I’ve actually known two dumb criminals personally. Both were high school acquaintances (can’t say I was friends with either, but did know them well) and both wound up in jail for their idiocy.

IDIOT A: This guy came from a fairly wealthy family and had a great future in tennis had he chose to pursue it. He was a couple of years older than I, but used to chide me during the rare times I thought I had enough talent to be on the same courts as he. For some reason, he changed his game to extortion after high school. Maybe it was boredom from growing up in a family that seemingly had everything. Maybe it was because they seemed to have everything that he needed to extort.

But extort he did and was pretty good at it, from what I heard. He had a big score with a company in Southfield and had arranged to have the money placed in a mailbox off a road that ran through the town but was a bit off the beaten path. Everything was going well, he saw them make the drop, and rushed in to snag the bag full of green and make his getaway. Only problem was, his getaway vehicle was a two-wheeled Moped that reached a high speed of about 35 MPH. The police had no problem apprehending this guy.

IDIOT B: Was more into robbery and came from “the other side of the tracks.” He was the kind of kid in high school who you’d expect to get into trouble, sad as it may be. One night after a drinking binge, he robbed a local restaurant and sped off with the loot. No one knew what had happened and he was headed for the freeway on a two laner when he saw a police cruiser in full lit-up mode. Lights flashing, the whole ten yards, heading for the scene of the crime………This guy figured if they couldn’t see him he wouldn’t really be there so he tried to make himself invisible by turning off his headlights. Guess what happened next.

And now, here are some even better true tales of dumb criminals:

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.”

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

CALL ME? A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture…of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

CHECK IT AT THE DOOR, DUDE: Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. “Nonsense”, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.

The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should of blown your(expletive)head off.”

The defendant paused, then quickly added, “if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification.

Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

BURN ME, BABY! A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued….and won.

In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Stay tuned for more from Vinman’s Verbosity’s Dumb Criminal Bureau (the esteemed V.V.D.C.B.) Now it’s off to Scotland Yard — they have asked for my help in solving some Merlot mysteries.

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