Not cold enough or drunk enough for this…………….
Looking at the Super Bowl hype coming from 73-degree San Diego, CA, I am reminded of my warm weather arrogance.
Around this time of year in the early 90s, I would grab a USA Today delivered to me in my office at The Daily Californian and admire the deep blue colors indicating Arctic temperatures over Michigan and revel in the fiery red colors indicating 70 and 80-degree temps over my San Diego home.
Mischievously and with much self-inflated ego, I would grab a scissors and snidely snip the map from the back page. With a fiendish laugh I would place the map into an envelope and address it to whichever family member or friend I chose to get that day. Sometimes, when it was especially cold in Michigan, I would snidely snip and send two or three maps.
But now I’m back in Michigan and paying my penance, and it’s C.O.L.D. Temps have not gotten out of the low teens for weeks and we’ve had biting winds to boot. It’s a balmy 22 today and I’m thinking of laying out in shorts.
“Hey Vince, where’s my freakin’ map now?” quip friends I previously maligned when I see them now in social settings. Sometimes they just call me at work for a bit of vengeance. But, that’s ok, I earned it.
-30 Celsius translates to -22 Fahrenheit, cold indeed by any standard. And after spending several hours in a bar in Russia sucking Wvodka I can imagine once would lose track of time and clime. But as dumb and lacking of foresight as distributing those maps laden with temperate reminders was, I don’t think I’ll ever be so dumb as a guy in Stavropal Russia.
Before his story, there are some rules from the OUR (Outside Urination Rulebook that signed and approved members of the OUS, Outside Urination Society, receive upon membership approval) that even the drunkest, coldest idiot should know even if they are not a card-carrying member of the OUS:
1) At -30c ANYTHING will freeze quickly.
2) Never allow anything metal or already frozen near your “little buddy.” He may be your friend, but he’s vulnerable to the same laws of physics as a tree branch and friends look out for other friends.
3) When peeing outdoors, do so in as private an area as possible — a bus stop is laden with pratfalls other than being beat up by riders awaiting their carriage.
So ignoring all of the above, a young Russian lad (click on link at top of posting) had to be rescued after his penis stuck to a frozen bus shelter while he was urinating. The young man was on his way home from a bar in the southern city of Stavropol, in temperatures of -30C. He stopped to urinate, leaning against the bus shelter for support, but swayed at a crucial moment and his penis stuck to the frozen metal.
A large crowd gathered, shouting advice. Finally passerby Valery Levchenko was able to free the man using a kettle of warm water borrowed from a chemist.
The man reportedly refused further medical help before running off.
It’s not that I’ve never peed outside after drinking before (in the warm and the cold), it’s just that even in the coldest, drunkest temps I remember Rule Number 4 from the OUR, which is: Never allow a lack of foresight to result in a lack of foreskin or your membership in the OUS will be revoked.
(c) Copyright Vincent J. Kern 2003. All rights reserved.
(For a “cleaner” more heartwarming piece, read Vinman’s Verbose story of a young boy and Michael Jordan above………)